why i don't just get a goddamn twitter account

I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. (am supposed to be doing work at the moment, now that I think about it), which is why have been unable to come up with a blog post that is more than 2 paragraphs long.  I believe this developed some time after college, but it also could have been the drinking, killing brain cells, etc.

So Why Don't I Just Get a Goddamn Twitter Account?  Let me tell you how I feel about Twitter:

1) Nobody cares about a 140-character random thought that I post every hour or so.  Do they care about yours?  Are you sure?

2) It is a cry for attention.  Follow me!  Check out this funny youtube video that 347,000 other people have posted!  I am so funny and original!  ("But," you might argue, "doesn't the exact same logic apply to a blog?  Aren't you just being a hypocrite?"  To this, I respond, "shut up."  Also, it's not like anyone who reads this can click "follow" and just have all of my posts show up in their inbox whenever I write something new. . . right?)

3) The name.  The logo.  "Twitter."  So cutesy.  Really?  You are going to "tweet" about this?  I did not realize you were a bird.  And if you are a bird, it is pretty impressive that you can type, and more power to you.

4)  I have an idea.  Why don't you just keep it to yourself once in awhile?  Write it down in your journal, tell it to your hamster, save it for your memoirs or book of aphorisms.  Oh wait, you don't because that means your 769 followers will not know that you just ate "the.  most.  amazing.  pizza.  at arinell's.  CUZ I'M DRIZZUUUNK!"  I know, Arinell's has pretty good pizza.  Especially when drizzunk.  But no one needs this much information about what is entering your mouth at any point in time.

5)  If you want to stay close to your friends, maybe you should give them a goddamn phone call instead of clicking on the boring news article about corn mold they posted.  Or send a letter or a nice email.  Or god forbid you actually see them face to face once in awhile.  Do it.  I bet they'll appreciate it.

That was a pretty long post!  Perhaps I should start replacing Adderall with an irrational hatred for other things.  Coming soon: Bono; Pineapples On Pizza; and When People Stand On the Left Side of the Escalator Instead of the Right Side Like They're Supposed To.

things you probably should not say...

...to a person you invite over to your house:
"Oh, that brown stain?  No, it's not blood.  It's from chocolate ice cream I was eating from the carton in bed."

No Deegetty

Because I live alone, I often engage in strange behaviors that would probably mark me as slightly crazy if I ever did them in the company of others.  One of these weird things is that I like to sing songs in foreign accents while I get ready for work.  Today, it was "No Diggity" in a Russian accent.

While trying to find a funny video of a Russian person singing "No Diggity" so people would have a better idea of what I sound like while putting pants on in the morning*, I came across this video of a talented Swedish dude singing it very well.  Not funny, except for the part where they zoom in close on the bald judge's face.  Enjoy.

*This is a lie.  I cannot fit into my work pants anymore so I am either wearing a sweater dress or leggings and a shirt that covers at least 3/4 of my butt.

Review: Amazon Kindle

I received a Kindle this weekend.  Here is my review:

Cons:
1) Does not have new book smell;
2) Cannot use as coaster;
3) Cannot use as paperweight;
4) Cannot throw across room when frustrated with content;
5) Attracts potential muggers;
6) Does not allow me to subtly flaunt intellect in public because title of book I'm reading is not obvious to others; and
7) Does it make me happy to know that I am contributing to the demise of bookstores and libraries?  DOES IT?

Pros:
1) Do not have to carry heavy books like Middlemarch (Harry Potter) around;
2) Saves on back massage costs;
3) Allows me to overtly flaunt social status because I carry around an expensive electronic reading device; and
4) Displays portraits of famous authors when powered off, and now I know that John Steinbeck was a babe.

Conclusion:  The Amazon Kindle totally rules.  

things you probably should not say...

 ...in an online dating message:
"Nice 'stache.  Can I sit on it?"